The first step to forgiveness

"To get to forgiveness, we first have to work through the painful experiences that require it."

-- Christiane Northrup

To forgive, we do not have to say that whatever happened was okay. In fact, before we can forgive, we need to allow ourselves to really feel the pain of the experience. If we don’t fully acknowledge our hurts, we will continue to carry them subconsciously and they will drain our energy.

To forgive, we need to decide that we won’t allow the memories of the event to poison us any longer. We’re ready to heal this wound from the past and open to a fresh new beginning.

The blessing is that when we’re really ready to experience our pain and we open to it, it usually fades away. By honouring our pain, we release it.

"We must let ourselves feel all the painful destruction we want to forgive rather than swallow it in denial. If we do not face it, we cannot choose to forgive it."

-- Kenneth McNoll

This is something I have witnessed in a family member just yesterday - the culmination of decades of denial and not forgiving or letting go which has resulted in some of the nastiest behaviour known amongst my relatives - and it is between a mother and daughter Denial can not only take the form of ignoring or pushing aside what needs to be released or forgiven, but it can also create a barrier to owning the experience and taking responsibility for your role in it. The result is more pain, isolation and destruction in relationships. Not to mention a really unhealthy attitude (the person believes they can say what they like and lie about it so long as they push the blame on someone else - a scapegoat). I share this story from my own life as a gentle reminder to others that even though addressing the issues in your life that you haven't forgiven might be painful, the loss of family and friends from not doing so and becoming bitter is far worse.

Recently my best friend and I went through an exchange that involved airing lots of unspoken feelings - things that had been carried between us unforgiven for 20 years. It was the saviour of our friendship and I feel it has deepened our connection and bond. I could not imagine my life without her and now, having seen this older relative of mine and how her bottling up of emotions has affected her relationships and shaped who she has become, I am so grateful for the capacity to choose a different way of dealing with forgiveness and working through my feelings.

Be kind to yourself - do the emotional work at a pace you feel comfortable with. Allow others to support you on your journey. Appreciate the gifts of sharing.

P.S Love you with all my Jana :kss:

This is just wonder-FULL Kat, I AM soooo very proud of you. You just n-EVER stop amazing me, with your strength & courage to heal yours-ELF, your doing it with such great bounds & leaps.

You go Girl, Your BE-auti-FULL

I can so relate to what your saying here as I've had to let go of my relationship with my mother and pretty much all my family member's BE-cause of their self-denial and not wanting to fight and disagree anymore with them. Always felt like I was fighting for my right to BE me, to just BE. Now I know that this was actually what it was meant to BE, so that I would own that part of me, to stop ALL-so dening and defending mys-ELF, and just let that BE-auti-FULL girl(person) that I AM, come out, that I didn't have to fight for my right to just BE me anymore. I FEEL NOW and do know that this is where the true HEAL-ing BE-gan for me and I learned then to Forgive mys-ELF " FIRST " and was able to start forgiving others. Wow, what awsome mirror reflections. Today I AM so glad that I made this stand for mys-ELF BEcause without it I may of n-EVER got to see or meet the BE-auti-FULL Lady that I have BE-come and grown to LOVE so much NOW !! !!

Kat I FEEL very strongly about you going number " 1" in everything in your life and your not settling for second BE-st in anything or anybody for that matter.

CONGRATS my Dear SOL Sister

I Love You

GothiKat wrote:

I am so grateful for the capacity to choose a different way of dealing with forgiveness and working through my feelings. Be kind to yourself - do the emotional work at a pace you feel comfortable with. Allow others to support you on your journey. Appreciate the gifts of sharing.

Thank you Solane and bless you for your insight Yeah, I pretty much am exactly where I want to be, be-ing exactly who I AM.

I am so heartened when you share your personal HER-story with us. Mother issues are not easy at the best of times. Becoming a mother changes us profoundly and yet as much as we can walk in our own mother's shoes a distance, we cannot always follow in her footsteps nor understand her choices along her journey. I am able to see the parts of me forged under my mother's style of raising me and yet I am also able to change as an adult to be my own person. I don't hate my mother, I bless her for bringing me forth into physicality and being part of my experience. It's easy to judge someone - and in all truth, if I were my mother's daughter that would be my natural way in this world. But I am a child of the universe and I choose compassion and understanding to light my way. We all have the power to choose because that is what free will is there for. We can choose to blame our parents, or we can choose to blame ourselves. Or we can choose forgiveness and free our heart from pain and suffering. We can feel emotions without becoming them or becoming attached to people or situations in unhealthy ways through them.

The most loving gift we can give to this world is ourselves. To be who we are and express that and share that is a beautiful thing. As the saying goes, those that don't mind, matter and those that mind, don't matter. So shine on crazy diamond and light up the world